These should get a few chuckles:


A recent finding by statisticians has found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.


Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.


A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says “No, I’m traveling light.”


What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat?


The bartender says “We don’t serve time travelers here.”

A Time Traveler walks into a bar.


What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

Groan .... You wiped the smile off the face of King Carp's dog!

You know how to catch an elephant?

Dig a deep pit. Fill it with wood. Burn the wood down until there are just ashes left. Line the pit all around with peas.

Watch for an elephant to come along. When it bends over to take a pea, kick it in the ash hole.

Lord help us

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Coronavirus humor:

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Once upon a time, there was a king, who ruled a small kingdom.
He ruled with an iron fist, and was despised by his subjects.
His hobby was collecting thrones, he had acquired many thrones from around the world.
On day his subjects rebelled and banished him to a small island. They wanted nothing to remind them of his terrible rule, and sent his few loyal servants and his thrones with him in exile.
His servants built him a large two story grass hut, and stowed his throne collection in the top floor. One day the grass hut collapsed from the weight of the thrones and killed the king.
The moral of this story is, people who live in grass houses, should not stow thrones. Groan on!

'Capt. Frank' - Was Waldo there? That 'turd' is always up to some shit!  >:(

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.  The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.  Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."  Even the hillbilly chick burst into laughter.  After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away.

He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.  But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.  As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Hooo! Man was it cold last winter up my way.  It was so cold my teeth were chattering.  So I took them out of the glass and put them in my mouth.  :o ::) :D

A father took his two sons - 5 and 3 years old out to the diner for a bite to eat.  The pretty young waitress asked the 5 year old "what will you have sugar?"  The 5 year old slapped his leg and replied "I'll have a God dammed cheeseburger!"  The old man back handed the boy and knocked him out of the chair... so the waitress tried to cover up really quick and turned to the 3 year old:  "Well, what are you gonna have, Sweetness?"  To which the 3 year old replied:  "You bet yer sweet ass I ain't gonna order no God dammed Cheeseburger!"

well trained dog

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